Sometimes I feel like a target, when it comes to dating and relationships. From a personal standpoint, I have experienced brokenness, cheating, disrespect, abuse, and growing a part and while it might not have always been my fault, I must take the credit from some of it. In many of my relationships, when we disagreed I would put on my armor and act as if I did not care, to me that was a protection tactic that prevented me from revealing how I really and truly felt. Like the average person, I have been hurt more times than I care to admit. At one point, I built a barrier so tall around me that was founded on bitterness, pain, sadness, and defensiveness.
Interestingly enough, in the space of defensiveness and brokenness I found myself opening bits and pieces of myself to unhealthy relationships. Prime example, I would acquaint myself with someone I knew was not a good fit for me but the idea of having someone by my side was better than nothing. Through these experiences, I found that I blamed them for the hurts of my past. By default, the situations inevitably fell apart.
After being single a few months shy of four years, I realize that a large part of me desires my divine mate and the remainder of me is fearful of how that will come about. Questioning whether that means walking into more hurtful and invaluable situation in order to get to the one destined for me. There has been a manifestation of fear surrounding me which in a sense I think hinders me. I suppose this would be a sweet contradiction of fear versus love.
With time, I have become settled in my ways, unrelenting to change. I have created an invisible rule-book that has standards higher than the wall of China. This rule book has simply developed over time through habit and it is one that came about without conscience thought. Finding love is one of the most difficult things to do and it seems to be one of the biggest challenges in life. As I continue to grow, I will fight to tear down the patterns that hold me back from accepting characteristics that are outside of the box. I will work to break the shield that separates me companionship and solidary relational confinement. One thing that I know and that is I am flawed, I am imperfect and I do not seek perfection in my divine mate, but instead someone that God has designed for me and that completes that empty space inside of me.