Recovering from abuse and rebuilding self-love

As a recovering abuse victim, I remember how very difficult it was to learn to love myself again. When you have been physically and/or emotionally abused, abandoned, cheated on, lied to, or broken by a person you love and trust, it is hard to learn to love yourself let alone another person again.  Over time, I have learned the statistics for those that are abused, abandoned, cheated on and lied to are infinite. The question that continues to stand out in my mind is how does one becomes victims of such atrocious circumstances?

When I share my stories of abuse with others, they have a hard time understanding how I could have allowed it or been in such a situation. The common statement I hear is “You are so strong” and I have to say, that sometimes love has a way of blinding you and in the blurriness of the moment, we tend to accept less than we deserve and further allowing others to dis-value our worth by hurting and trying to steal our spirit, happiness, and mental stability. I read an article a few days ago and it said that “People who are abused as adults were always abused as children first. This is why they grow up with very low if any self-esteem and it is why they end up in abusive relationships that are based on conditions to be met. The abused adult does not know anything different. They do not know what real love feels like. They think they have to earn it, or do favors for, or become something they are not to be loved. This is because that is how they were treated as children. Love was based on conditions to be met.”  This is not a true statement, in my opinion, because that is not where my abuse began. I allowed abuse because I lacked the presence of a positive father figure in my life. My father left when I was very young and the stepfather that followed years later was abusive to my mother.

That is where my familiarity with abuse came into play. When I saw my mother victimized by a man who loved her, I felt that perhaps a man loves you even though he hits you. In my vulnerability, I met a man who started out as a friend and later became the love of my life. It was not until years later that the abuse came into play and it was in that moment, I allowed it, repeatedly. It took many years for me to say, I have had enough and move away from my abuser and forward with my life. The healing process has tried and completely independent, but it was through my poetry that I learned to share my pain and began to heal my internal scars. In the questionable moments of whether I loved myself or not, I had to look myself in the mirror and say “Sonya, you are beautiful. You are worth much more than what that man was willing to give”. I also had to work on obtaining a closer walk with God to get a clearer understanding and love for myself.

In this moment, I am sharing this with you because I know you or someone you know has endured some if not these things that I have spoken of, and if you are in the situation, please know that it is not healthy. You are a survivor and you do not have to get out of this situation by yourself. If you need words of encouragement, someone who can relate on a personal level, please know that I am here and there are so many resources available to you, including those that love and care for you.

Please feel free to reach out to me at for genuine, no strings attached words of encouragement! You can love “YOU” again, it is pretty simple, just look in the mirror and open your heart and eyes.

Always, Ms. Darkskinisbeautiul