There are times when I sit in silence and meditate on my past and current situations and wonder “Why am I allowing these two situations direct my future”. For instance, a few years ago, I said that I wanted to relocate to Charlotte, North Carolina; however when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately decided it was easier and safer to stay put. Staying in a work environment that provider stability for both me and my daughter and in a state where I have a small support system in case I needed them.
Another instance is when I decided last year that I wanted to launch a handbag line under my daughter’s name and got the wheels turning, but the local manufacturers of sample and handbag lines were five times more expensive than the manufacturers overseas, so proceeded to use an overseas manufacturer. Filled with excitement, I filtered through thousands of manufacturers until I found one that could assist me with creating my sample. Since manufacturer was overseas this made it ‘very’ difficult to critique the design of the handbag, because I was viewing them process steps by way of photos. I worked tirelessly to convert my designs into a ‘spec’ however the vendor did not seem to get the product just as I had in mind. For months, I waited and hoped that the handbag line would be born and before it was all said and done, I had to abandon ship because it was a process that seemed near impossible. It was imperative that I sit down with the manufacturer so we could walk through the process together, because this was a project far too important to leave to a perfect stranger. With that said, the handbag line was placed on hold.
Currently, I am working on a “Self-Help” book of poetry and narratives for abused victims. This is a platform that I have chosen to use to help others who have been in domestic violence situations and as a recovering victim of abuse, I felt this was a way that I could give back to God and show my appreciation for all that he has done for me and my daughter.
Sitting and thinking of my future, I think about where I want to go personally and professionally and my future’s view is quite different from my current view. My heart aches to help others in a non-profit organization capacity. One that will allow me to have my own organization, share my experiences and love of God with others in a creative way. The “Fire” inside of me to help others has burned so strong over the past few years that when I talk about it, I find myself having chills and tearing up.
Now my dream to design my own handbag line still remains and I know it will come to past when it is time, but I feel God has something bigger in store for my life, so I sit silently and patiently and await his words and clarification of what it is I am to do as his “Vessel”.
Have you thought about your past and wondered what it is you should be doing in the “Now” and the future?