Recently I discovered something new about myself, that I am almost embarrassed to confess. About a month ago, an unexpected situation landed in my lap and I found myself completely perplexed by it.
After many, many years of emotional roller coasters, I felt that I finally started to heal a few years ago. I released my first book of personal poems in my book titled “Heaven Rain on me so that I can be the strong black woman that God has destined me to be….” This was one of my tools and methods for releasing some of the many scars that I endured over the passing years. Oddly enough, I was convinced that all of the pain was long gone; however a recent event has shown me that perhaps the pain was just buried away, deep inside of me. Recently, I exposed my emotional flaws to someone and though I am not quite sure why I selected the person to share these things with I did. After sharing, I felt a sense of connection, a frightening since of connection. It was so worrisome, that I felt the need to run in the other direction.
Look at me I am the same woman that often speaks about Black Women and Vulnerability- exposed, naked for eyes to see. And while that is no issue, because it is all a part of growing, healing, learning and life, I am completely and utterly confused.
Omitting the fine details of this issue, I learned that I am not emotionally as positioned as I thought. Some of my old scars resurfaced recently and with those hanging in the balance, it made things a little clearer as to why things have not played out as “I EXPECTED”. The reason God hasn’t placed things strategically in “MY ORDER”.
As I continue to heal, I have learned that I am feeling and have felt all sorts of unfavorable emotions: anger, pain, sorrow, disappointment, disgust, and frustration; these being all of the negative words under my emotional “Tree”. Seems that something triggered a major revelation in me and some of the painful wounds re-opened and exposed the abnormal, painful residue left behind from my past.
So, I ask, am I regressing? Progressing?
Regressing back to that closed shell, that would not open enough to let someone in nor am I progressing in to someone that knows that pain never completely leaves you. Perhaps I am overanalyzing this aching in my heart and maybe it will pass in a few days; however I don’t think that is a likely event. In the moment, the emotion was revealed; I didn’t know whether it was a case of the butterflies or anxiety. Every painful emotion that went through my veins felt as if they took up root in my soul’s soil and began to grow in to this huge, massive emotional tree. Layers and layers of hard bark covering the inner spirit of the tree refusing to release the pain that grew over time; planted roots, planted roots in my soul’s soil.
When I started this blog, I was a little embarrassed to admit that I am not completely healed; however sharing my words have somehow made me realize that I should understand that healing comes from within and that I still have some way to go. In 2 Corinthians 4:17, Paul said “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs then all”. In this passage, I have confirmation that God is with me and I will make it through each and every obstacle that I experience along the way.
Do you have some hidden pains that require your attention for healing to begin or carry on?