Women, why are friendships so hard for us to obtain and maintain with other women?

friends1Sometimes I wonder why it is that I don’t have a large circle of friends. There are women who have an extensive support system, friends that they spend time shopping, socializing, having coffee, and just venting to. I often wonder if it is because I am so particular, private, and hard to get close to. The circle of friends I have is small and each one of them are genuine. We do not talk everyday, but when we do, its like we never skipped a beat. 

I consider myself to be friend-worthy, trusting, honest, kind and loyal. These are the same characteristics that I want in women I call “True Friends”. You know the ones that are there no matter the time or day, what is going on in their lives and for whatever reason.  For some odd reason, I have had a hard time forming strong lasting friendships with other women.

I read a Blog titled “8 Friends Women Need” at http://www.prevention.com/sex/sex-relationships/8-friends-every-woman-needs.

I have 4 out of the 8: A childhood friend, younger friend, my mom and myself. In reviewing the “8 Friends Women Need” list, it suggests that women should have these eight different friends and I could understand why this would be true. You can relate to all these women on some level and it makes sense.

friends gossThrough life, I have found that cattiness, pettiness and female rivalry are the major culprits of dying friendships. However it is a very tasking thing to do, get and keep healthy female relationships. I have heard far too many times, men are easier to be friends with than women.  I often think about if women were more like men, we would have a disagreement, make up and go have a beer (or in our case a glass of wine). But being the complex species that we are, it is rarely that simple. 

One of the things we as women should do is focus on the issue, talk through it and move beyond it. I cannot tell you how many friendships I have lost in my younger years due to pettiness. I often think about the regrets and the lost of friendships I have had due to these minor issues.

cancerI have a beautiful, yet brief story to share:

I have to speak on two women that are dear to me.  About a year ago their friendship fell apart after being true and dear friends for about 15 years or longer. One was none the wiser of why it ended and the other refused to share the reasons why. After about a year, one of them fell terminally ill. It was through this challenge in both of their lives that they reconnected. Through this trial, their love for one another is stronger than it ever was… it was lack of communication that could have devastated their relationship. Now imagine how the one friend would have felt if she had not had the opportunity to tell the other good-bye. The beauty of real, genuine friendships is priceless. God shines on true friendships and with love and care, they weather any storm endured.

Women, I challenge you to put the cattiness aside and reach out and make a new woman friend today; or rebuild one that has fallen apart.

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

Hot & Cold: The Cat & Mouse Game

download (1)Rather you are in a relationship with a man or contemplating starting one, it is quite annoying when the man you are dating is either “Hot” or “Cold” with regard to your relationship.

What I mean in this instance is when a man extends genuine interest in you one day and the next, he isn’t sure what he wants and is feeling, or at least that what is implied. This can be quite confusing and emotionally draining.The constant play on how do you feel today and how will you feel tomorrow is ridiculous to say the very least; however this circumstance is far from new business. The “Hot” and “Cold” game has existed for as long as man has walked the earth, I am sure.

You know, when you feel you are connected with a guy and then out of the blue he shuts down and runs the other way.  He starts to pull away and leaves you hanging on the line to dry. In your mind, you try to sort through what you did wrong, what the issue could be and why you are even in the situation. Thinking that perhaps it is your fault somehow.

At that point, you turn up the heat and try to figure out what can I do to bring his interest back to the forefront. And at that moment he has you. You begin to think it is something you have done wrong and must resolve to get you back to where you once were. There, is where he has you. That is when he  has turned down the heat and turned “cold”.

Suddenly it becomes your goal to decide what must be done to fix it; the situation that you believe is somehow your fault.

downloadInterestingly enough, I recently met a man who had these same tendencies. We dated briefly and he would cause an argument but somehow before the end of the disagreement he would always be pointing the finger at me (even if it was completely his fault). I could not seem to understand how we would start with the mistake on his plate and end with it on mine and me apologizing.  I have learned through interaction with men in relationships, friendships, etc that this is a common tendency that men display.

Seems to be that there are men who do this constantly and somehow they are convinced that there is no error with this behavior. The dominate behavior that brings women to apologies for something that are not guilty of. In this instance, they might think there are not hurting you and as a result, continue to display such behaviors.  However, I am not convinced that men that do these things are not at all aware that they are acting this way. Because it is not only with you that they have acted this way but perhaps with women before you.

While I am not male bashing, I am simply sharing my recent observation, having revisited this issue with someone who I had dated.  This sent a signal to me that while this man was in his 40’s he had not yet grown up. His display of selfish behavior, which is what I considered this to be was a very frustrating and confusing issue.

Men woo you and then when you are reeled in tightly, you are thrown back to hang awhile. Just long enough to drive you nuts from frustration and worriation and then they reel back in again and replay the turn of events.  Seems that it is no longer relevant that you are a good woman, great values, beautiful, and intriguing only that you are willing to play this game and dangle on the line.

Hot and cold men might just be undecided about commitment. And while they might like and even care deeply for you, dedicating to one woman might not be a route they are ready to take.  So with that being said, I would think it would only be fair that instead of being “Hot” or “Cold” that they would just walk away and/or give the woman the option to not get involved before hand. It is easy for a man to string a woman a long, we are emotional creatures and nurturing we want to fix things and make them better and that is a wonderful characteristic, though it can often get us in trouble when we meet such men as discussed here today.

download (2)Some men find this to be self-gratifying and flattering when a woman falls and is willing to dangle on a line for their affections. Standing by while watching the woman they are somewhat dating fall to pieces as they play the “Hot” and “Cold” game. You know the classic Cat and Mouse Game….
Some women chose to hang in there and try to change men that are “Hot” and “Cold” however, I chose not to deal with them. Cut my losses and move forward.  I have learned that it seems that I am far more enticing and irresistible when I don’t play their game; the unfortunate thing is when I walk away the game ends.

If you have met such behavior ladies, please share your views. Men if you have played the game with the ladies, please share your stance and reasons behind doing so– I would love to hear from you!

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

Happy Thanksgiving: What are you thankful for?

1474696_10151830721313233_1568353015_nWhen I think about what I am most grateful for, I have to say God.

God has blessed me with a family that genuinely loves and supports me. He has blessed me with a job, roof over my head, clothes on my back and a means of ensuring that my daughter is supplied with all of her needs.

I thank God for all of my trials and tribulations which have allowed me to grow, learn and move forward in life. I am so very blessed to be able to wake up and look upon the face of my beautiful miracle, the center of my joy. Not only has God blessed me with a miracle in my daughter, he has also blessed me with a mother that loves and supports me and me along the way. I would have to say she is my biggest fan and I am tremendously blessed.1458948_10151830722503233_667068192_n

What about you, what are you thankful for?

Thank you God! Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

Single during the holidays

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There is nothing lonelier than walking through the mall, sitting at a cafe or coffee shop during the holidays. This is the season when lovers seem to come in to clear view. You see couples walking together, laughing and chatting about this and that and then there you are… sitting alone at your bistro table watching with envy and wondering what it would feel like to share some time with that special one doing the same thing.  

When you are single during the holidays, it seems like the worst time of the year for some. However, I have heard there are many things that one can do to make their season as a single person a little less painful (laughs).

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You could love and spoil “Yourself” during the holiday. As a matter of fact, I did this a few days ago. I had a free day off from work, so my daughter spent the day at daycare and I spent the day spending a few hundred dollars. Yes, I splurged which if you knew me, you would know that is something I rarely do. I purchased a much-needed handbag, several pairs of flattering jeans, cute tops and some great hair pieces (wigs, baby). Now I can tell you, it definitely made me feel better and with the weight of all of those bags on my arms, I could have cared less what the couples or anyone passing me by was doing. I enjoyed the “ME” time. I even took myself to lunch and caught a couple of glances from some single men that came in and out of the restaurant as I sat quietly at my table.

1474696_10151830721313233_1568353015_nHave a mommy and me day with your little one(s). Of  course, you spend time with your little ones on a daily basis, but on this particular day, go to a spa and yes, get you both a manicure. Regardless of the age, all women like to be pampered. Or go to the park and play on the swings, feed the ducks and run, or have a breakfast or lunch date.

imagesCA675DN0Another option is to volunteer. Go to a homeless shelter or any other community service organization and give your time to help those in need. There is nothing more rewarding than helping someone less fortunate than yourself. It would definitely rid you of the loneliness you feel during the holiday season and who knows, you might meet someone special in any of these outings!

Happy Holidays & Be safe!

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

Your Heart: Is trust given or earned?

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Generally speaking, I believe that when you first meet someone, a certain amount of trust is given naturally; however the amount might depend on the person that is extending the trust.

Personally, I am a very cautious person, reason being because of life experiences obviously. However, I do trust what a person says for face-value unless they give me a reason not to believe them.

With regard to my heart, trust is definitely earned. I do not give someone my heart without proceeding with EXTREME caution. Human nature and life experience has taught me to make a mistake maybe once or twice and  learn from them so that there will be no repeats of the same mistake. Of course that is how it typically goes for most with an exception to those that are “Gluttons for Punishment”.

Of course, I keep in mind that people are human and with that being so, we are imperfect. Therefore, I try to be realistic in the sense that the trust grows with time and does not happen over night.

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As a single woman, I know that the result that I am working towards when opening myself to trust someone, is the development of unconditional love. And as with trust, unconditional love grows like a rose in a garden with love and care. Unconditional love and trust go hand in hand with regard to a relationship and must have openness and honesty to grow.

Have you open your heart and mind to trust again?

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

1,000 Hits: Thank you

imagesCA1LEK1COctober 1, 2013 I started my blog with the intention of creating an open diary of my thoughts to share with others … here I am less than 2 months later and I am at 1,110 hits. While everyone might not get something out of my BLOG and all that I share, some of you have share some of the nuggets of information that you got of it and I am so happy to have made a footprint, no matter how small in your life.  I plan to continue to share and ask for words of encouragememt to those that need it. All I ask is that you hold me up in God’s name and exchange encouragement.

May you have a Happy Thanksgiving and be safe and loved!

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful

My first broken heart: Hand-Delivered by my father

As a black girl, I stomached many changes as so many different times in my life. Like most children, I experienced growing pains. I was an extremely tall, thick-framed, and socially awkward young girl. Dark complexion, long and thick hair, full lips, thick thighs, an endowment of breasts and carried all of this on the frame of a pre-teen. I had the body that the average teenage boy didn’t understand yet viewed as very attractive to the grown man’s eyes. On my shoulder, I carried a chip. And found that I was very misunderstood because of it.
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At age 8 or so, my father told me I was an “ugly, black child”. That is one of the strongest memories that stand out in my mind about him and it is 30 years later that the words echo plainly in my mind. It is at age 8 I received my first broken heart. I loved my father regardless of his absence in my life.

My parents divorced when I was very young and regardless of the issues they had, my mother always encouraged me to reach out to him and maintain an open dialogue. In my attempts to do so, he moved further and further from view. As time progressed, I grew weary and gave up.

After 20 plus years, I reached out to my father a few weeks after the birth of my daughter- sent him a long letter and shared my emotional wounds with him. Shared my desire for him to partake in my daughter’s life as a grandfather since he played no part as my father- and…

The letter went unanswered.

He broke my heart more than once, but the two times that stand out in the ocean of brokenness are the ones I mentioned here. My first heart break was hand-delivered by my father.

Some might consider this a little twisted and some of you might consider this to be the norm, but I have always sought out a man that had the characteristics of a father and the ability to love me as my man. My desire for a father-like mate has and always will be because my father was never there.

 

Always,

Ms. Darkskinisbeautiful